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March 28, 2002

Blade II

If you've seen Blade, and you haven't seen Blade II (and intend to), you might want to skip this post. It might ruin it for you. Not because this post is a spoiler. Yes it talks about some of the plot, but it doesn't really give anything away. After all, this is a formula movie. C'mon. Anyway, skip now if you need to.

Still with me? Okay, I was watching this movie, and something occurred to me. You know how in the first movie, toward the end, Blade gets his butt handed to him? He's lying there all limp, he's lost a lot of blood, and you know he's down for the count? Then the helpful heroine volunteers to refuel him with her own blood so he can go on to save the world! Ba TADA TA tah, ta TAAAH!

Well, no surprise here, something similar happens in this movie. He's down for the count folks. He's lost a lot of blood, a lot of blood. Boy howdy is he looking ragged. Even if somebody bails him out of his current situation, how's he gonna stand up long enough to look at the bad guy cross-eyed? This time Whistler drags him that extra mile, and dumps him in a helpfully placed pool of refreshing blood, kept in store by the vampire nation as, what? A spa? Dunno.

Moments after current mini-boss vampire Ron Perlman has dismissed him as drowned in blood (hel-LO-o, half VAM-pire??!!), and turned his back on the pool, out rises Blade, looking tougher than ever, doing full-body knuckle cracking and getting ready for a rematch. We've been here before.

Now the secret. Stop reading now if this sort of movie is important to you (is it to anyone?). When that key scene comes up, imagine Blade is Popeye, and the pool of blood is a giant can of spinach. Spice things up by humming the Popeye recovery theme ditty (Ba TADA TA tah, ta TAAAH!). When the movie ends, walk out singing: I'm strong to the finish, 'cause I eats me bloo-ood, I'm vampire slaying Blade!

Posted by dpwakefield at March 28, 2002 09:07 PM