I Wish I Had a Pencil-Thin Penis

Yeah now they're making pornos in old black and white
With happy endings where nobody fights
So if you find yourself loving Nostalgic bits
Honey, jump right up and show your tits

I wish I had a pencil thin penis
The Long Dong Silver kind
A two-tone Dicky Rambone rubber
And an autographed picture of Seka's behind

I remember being hairless and skinny
Writing fan letters while beatin' my whinny
Oh, I wish I had a pencil thin penis
And I could solve some mysteries too.

Well then its Band Stand, Disneyland, 
cummin' up fast, you're tryin' not to catch V.D.
And Tarzan of the jungle was Cheetah's butt-fucker
But only nice girls became cock-suckers

Yea, I wish I had a pencil thin penis
And I could solve some mysteries too.
Ahhh Yeah!   < harmonica rip >
Pencil thin, pencil thin penis

There's stump brokes, long tokes, coppin' a feel
You're rubbin' on an Ole Miss whore, SO SORE!
Yea, they send ya off to college,
To gain a little knowledge,
But all you want to do is learn how to score

Yea, but now I'm getting old, I don't wear underwear,
I don't go to church though I did cut my hair
And I go to pornos and see it all there
Just the way it used to be

That's why I wish I had a pencil thin penis
The Long Dong Silver kind
A two-tone Dicky Rambone rubber
And an autographed picture of Seka's behind

Oh I could be anyone I wanted to be
Maybe the suave John Holmes or the sheik of Araby
Yes, if I only had a pencil thin penis
Then I could do some fuckin' too

Yeah, Vaseline, a little dab will do ya
Oh, I could do some fuckin' too!

(Richard Elling is responsible for this monstrosity)
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Last modified: Wed Mar 31 23:34:58 PST 1999